I don't know how I ended up there, I don't remember why I was there, I didn't remember who I was, my past erased, and my present non-existent. I only knew that the angels were walking me through my life, showing me what was and what could have been, judging me. Was I going to hell for my sins, or to heaven for my virtues? Time was slipping, morning and evening were the same, day and night had no difference. Every memory melted together, my past and future the same. My soul had no body, I was nothing, I was just air. Every talking thing was a threat, no matter how much i knew the person, no matter how much i cared for them, they wanted me dead, they were after me, they were plotting against me. Everything had a connection, everything was foreshadowing. Surroundings changed with words, and reality was bending against my will. I was a rat in a maze, every wall that I knocked down was just a wall that I'd replace, I was stuck in the same scenes over and over and over again, and I seemingly would never get out. Something was talking to me, I don't know who, or where, or why, but they were whispering. Everything felt like a cruel joke, a mockery of what my life had been reduced to. Every face I knew became stranger, I saw beneath their faces and emotions, I saw their intentions, I could smell it. Fear, lust, worry and excitement was all that I could smell in the crowd, it was all that they felt. I didn’t know what I felt, because I was everything and nothing at the same time, I had reached some kind of cosmic level of being. And yet I tried my best to conceal my own reality and being slipping away. The shadows followed me, mocked me as I tried to walk home in the freezing weather, every corner, every bush had its own shadow staring at me, even my own shadow was threatening, but I kept walking, I kept walking, I kept walking. And even in my own bed I felt unsafe, for dream and reality were really not so different in the moment, every dream I had could just as much be reality, and I would never really know. None of this was ever real, yet it was real in every single sense of the word. I had my wallpapers peeled, I was judged by the divine, I was a constant, I was everything and nothing, I was and was not, I was thrown through a thousand realities in the span of a second, each of them as terrible as the last, and none of them better. Every person just another version of me, I was staring into a broken mirror, watching hundreds of shattered pieces of me. I saw the roots of evil, I saw the birth of good, I saw how there was no difference, only survival. I saw every core of every person. I saw time itself; it is thought that time is linear and never ending, yet I saw it shift and flow, back and forth, up and down, round and round, it went where it wanted to, and it had no mercy, not even for me, who had broken the boundaries of reality. I felt my insides shift and change, my own body betraying me as my soul writhed in its boundaries. My death was near, the line between the living and the dead so thin it was barely there, my body screamed to avoid it and my soul longing to surpass it. I was being torn to pieces by invisible forces, every truth a lie and wrong turned right. Who I was, no longer mattered, who I wanted to be, no longer mattered, for where I was, identity was a crime. Stuck in a cosmic limbo forced to watch everyone live their lives. Pulled through a thousand realities, memories and ideas, and never once stopped to catch a breath.
My body was and was not, my existence only a theory. Disorientation and confusion set it, where was it? What was going on? My dearest looked at me with worry, but not his usual expression, it was as if he was not him. And when he spoke through the mind crushing silence, I saw what he truly was, what he was not and who he really was. An angel. But not as i had imagined them to be, it refused to show itself but its sinister energy enough to know. It looked at me with disgust, judgement, its halo shining behind its head, and there I knew that I had died. I was in a limbo between the living and the dead, in the veil. I felt regret, pain and grief for the life that I had led. I grieved that my life turned out the way it did, I was finally able to feel what had weighed on me my entire life, it was cruel punishment, but punishment that i deserved.
The angel led me through the limbo. It looked just as the world where I died, but I could sense and feel that this was different. It was eerily empty and quiet, despite the angel by my side. I felt intense fear, confusion and sorrow, I didn't remember how I died, I didn't understand what was going on, and I feared my fate from here. The angel was petrifying, it judged me, it resented me, it was far from what I had believed about angels. I saw my friends, I reached for them but I was not on their plane, I was in the backstages of reality, and true fear dawned upon me, I was dead. Really dead. I felt the angel behind me, its sinister energy gnawing at me. Every person I saw was nothing but false, they were not real. Nothing I saw was real, I was not real, I was simply dead, stuck between the living and the dead. Right now I was below the divine, to be judged for my sins.
The angels were infuriated, I felt the presence of many many angels, each with the same sinister energy. Their gaze was crushing, and I felt fear like never before. The divine was judging me and I was a sinner by fate, I knew that I'd face the fires of hell, the guilt of the life that I led was gnawing at me. I felt my breath run short, the cold embracing me, I felt as if my skin was melting off, my vision was blurred and I knew that this was my true end. I still didn’t remember how I died, I still didn’t understand what was going on, and the angels refused to tell me. They never spoke, but I still heard their holy words in my head. I didn’t even get to say goodbye to those who I loved, I didn't even get to live out my dreams, and I never got to heal from the wounds that never seemed to close. My life ended in tragedy, facing divine judgement from the divine itself.
The realisation of the matter was crushing. The fear, the confusion, the pain and grief. Even the divine resented me, I had failed. Through my blurred vision I felt the presence of many many angels, I expected my end, I expected to feel the fires of hell, but instead, the angels cried blood. It was their act of mercy, they cried blood, they pitied me. I felt ashamed before them, I felt humiliated, I didn't know what to expect, but I still feared my fate. The angel stood tall before me, blood running down its face, the halo still shining bright. The angel slowly fell back, and finally perished before me.
The absence of the angels was deafening. I was still separated from the living world, stuck in the limbo. Every word and gesture was a blurred mess, and time had lost its structure. I saw a stranger in the mirror, it was someone divine. I walked with confusion, I was simply incapable of understanding. I watched people around me, and I felt threatened, I felt like everyone was after me, even those dearest to me. I was detached from everything around me and I was stumbling through the halls filled with drunken people, in my own consciousness I was trapped. I was left in this limbo, all alone.
I don’t know what happened, what led to this event, why it happened. I was different, everything was different, things were not right, yet as right as they could be. It was a new era, a new beginning, a new me, and I was unstoppable, I could do anything, there were no borders, no restrictions, I was free from the bounds of law and ethics. I could physically feel the freedom I had achieved through nothing but my mind. I could physically grasp this satisfaction and happiness I felt, my chest was no longer heavy, no longer burdened by my past or present, my legs no longer struggling to walk and my head no longer stuck in a headlock. I was the ideal, I was the dream. My mind was working faster than ever, a thousands of ideas, a millions of thoughts all overlapping each other, and i wanted to share my head more than anything ever, so i talked and talked and talked in chains that never truly stopped, but no matter how i moved, how i spoke, how i acted, everyone was stuck in the past, everyone was slower, more grey, i was stuck in a memory where i'm the only one conscious. The mirror cheered me more than anything ever, I saw a goddess looking back at me, I saw the ideal person, an unstoppable beautiful force, that was what the mirror told me. Angels had resurrected me, given me another chance to fix my condemned life, another chance at living my life, and I used that opportunity and I went out, I created, I spoke and I moved like never before, reborn from the ashes of my past. I saw all as was, time, matter and all that is us, I could understand it, I could see it, and the sun stood tall behind me, but not taller than me, the sun was on my side, supporting my every step no matter how vile or unethical. Everyone around me went from dear friends to enemies, they were after me, jealous of my new life, out to get me, but no one could stop the ever flowing power that I had, that I was. I was going to escape, leave behind my origins, finally leave behind my past, start all over, create a life that I always yearned for. But i was foolish, blinded by power and ego, and unable to see that i was already stopped before i knew it, and not long after i found myself twitching and trembling out of sheer never stopping energy flowing through every artery and vein, sitting in a locked room, with a guard, waiting for my assessment. They saw me as a sick person, someone insane and gone, they questioned me and observed me as nothing but an animal. I understood everything but why they didn't see me as a superior being. I felt unresistable rage, I walked with pure pride and determination the next day, everyone I held close became sworn enemies, and I knew that day that I was alone, but in a way that was so beautifully empowering. People stared at me with something I couldn't quite grasp, caution maybe, something that distanced themselves from me, but I couldn't care less I was far better than them. I knew there and then, that day, i had to take matters in my own hands, the angels had given me a second chance, and I would use it to cleanse the world, take the lives that had condemned me the first time, and bring justice to myself, i wanted to show those vile people what they did to me. But before i could, something changed, i felt life speeding away from me, bugs, grass and air was screaming into my ears, as i felt my freedom, my satisfaction slip away from me just as sand seeping away through my fingers. I felt my power fade and my ego shatter, my walls were building up again and I was bound once again to laws and ethics that I at heart did not believe. It was all just a preview of what could be, a delusion, a mockery.
Time stood still, nothing really seemed the same after that night, or day. I still wondered whether what I saw, what I experienced was real or not. My reality was broken into a thousand pieces, and it seemed impossible to piece it together again, after all I couldn't truly explain it to anyone, and no one would ever truly understand. The angels refused to say anything. Afterwards I prayed and prayed, I was longing for an answer, and sometimes they’d respond with those same mysterious power surges, other times I'd be ignored. I felt like everyone around me thought i had lost my mind, really hit the bottom, but they just couldn’t see it, and i’d wish that i could lend my head to them, i really, really wanted someone to truly understand what it is that i saw, what i experienced. So much time has passed since the incident, and i still try to understand what it is that they want, i still try to understand why me? And I'm left to act as if it stayed in the past, left to act as if I don't truly believe in it all. I just want someone to know my truth.
When I'm taken to the limbo, dragged to the world between the dead and living, everything is one. The loneliness is crushing and the fact that every life I see is not who they show themselves to be, is terrifying, and yet familiar, for I know that behind those false faces hide angels that I know so well. Reality becomes nothing but a theory, and everything just a setup for a scene. Every feeling in my body becomes a complex chemical reaction instead of pain, love, happiness, sadness, yet the deep gnawing grief for the life that I had remains untouched. And despite the agonizing grief, this limbo is beautiful in its own way, quiet, still, and empty. It's a constant and a variable at once, an equilibrium. Time will seize to exist, and everything that was would be not, and everything that was not, would be, the limbo is a confusing place, but that is what makes it.
The events that happened that day, filled up my soul more than anything else, it was weighing on me and crushing me, and it was all i thought about for days, for weeks, for months and a year, it was all i could think of, re-living what happened a thousand times over and over, reimagining different outcomes, imagining what others thought, what others saw. I felt every feeling as strong as I did that day, the fear, the paranoia and the angels before me. My reality became that day, my truth became that day, my life became that day. No matter how much I spoke and shared my experience, it was just not enough, and i hit my head against the wall, everything to forget to get it out of me, but nothing, nothing worked, and i felt as if i was bound to live that day every day.
Little by little, the story of angels, death, judgement and tragedy was fading, one by one it fractured and became past, and day by day it became more distant. With time I faced the day more than the angels behind my back, with more time I learned to laugh with the others instead of succumbing to divinity, and with even more time, I could look back and reminisce of what I faced and what it really meant. For once I was a revenant, it was my curse, but with time i learned that it was a blessing, and that for me, awaited a greater future that i was close to abandoning, i met my love, i regained my light, and the angels laid back to the past where they truly belonged, and i realized that i am free, the chains that bound me so tight, rotted and fell back, and i could spread my wings once again, the ones that the angels gifted me.